Although I’ve had many difficult conversations about ability and attitude during my years as a manager, the one that proved the most sensitive had nothing to do with either. There was no alternative: I had to tell an employee that they smelled.
It all started when a member of staff asked me for a quiet word. She told me that, as she sat on the neighbouring desk, she’d noticed a smell coming from one of her colleagues that was making it difficult for her to concentrate. ‘Could I have a word with them?’ she asked.
As I had known the person they were talking about for almost a year and had not noticed any body odour issues, I was unsure whether the complaint was genuine. So, I decided to make an excuse to discuss – at their desk – a trivial issue that had arisen with the individual’s client. As we chatted, it became very apparent that the complaint was genuine. My employee definitely had a body odour problem.
But how should I deal with such a personal issue? What was the best approach for such a difficult conversation?
What are difficult conversations?
There are many descriptions bouncing around the internet trying to give a dictionary definition of a difficult conversation, but the one I like the most is, ‘A conversation that one or both people will find uncomfortable.’
‘Surely both people will find this type of conversation uncomfortable?’ you may ask, but that’s not always so. There are meetings that I’ve been part of where I felt uncomfortable raising an issue but where the other party seemed completely unfazed by it.
And the reverse has also been true, where only the other party was uncomfortable. We soon realise that, as we build up our experience of such conversations, we find we can handle many of them quite comfortably, seeing them as just another adjunct to what we have to do as managers.
Let’s now look at difficult conversations in more detail.
What makes them difficult?
Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone argue that it is the presence of three factors which often add stress to a conversation:
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- Perception
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- Importance
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- Emotion
Just knowing that these three factors are flying around the room during a difficult conversation helps!
So often in life, our perception of a situation can be flawed. For an example of this, look no further than this wonderful short video by Richard Wiseman.
That’s why we must enter the meeting with an open mind. The discussion may reveal facts that we had not previously been aware of.
The very fact that we have asked for a conversation with our employee might potentially create tension in their mind. Their job – and reputation – will be important to them and people don’t always behave at their best when feeling vulnerable.
But this applies to the manager as well. If we don’t handle this conversation well, then we might demotivate a valuable employee and even, perhaps, eventually lose them.
Finally, emotion is always going to complicate things. Making sure that the conversation remains productive will be next to impossible if one or both parties allow their emotional states to take over! It is a lot easier to discuss an issue with a rational mind than an emotional one.
What causes difficult conversations?
There are so many reasons why such conversations are needed. Here are just a few from my own managerial experience:
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- Timekeeping and attendance
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- Unacceptable or concerning behaviour
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- Personally sensitive issues
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- Failing to meet targets or performance goals
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- Issues arising between team members
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- Challenging entrenched or unhelpful views
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- Redundancy
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- Complaints received from other people
Why do we avoid them?
Let’s look at employees first, rather than managers. The numbers aren’t reassuring. According to a survey carried out in the US by Bravely, 70% of employees avoid difficult conversations with their managers. That’s an awful lot of people who are worried about something, and if a manager isn’t aware of a dissatisfaction an employee might be harbouring, how are they going to resolve it? If this is you, take a look at our 6 tips to help you disagree with your manager.
But what about managers? How happy are they to have that difficult conversation? A survey conducted in 2021 by the Chartered Management Institute found that 57% of managers said they would do almost anything to avoid a difficult conversation. What was even more surprising was that 52% said they would tolerate a negative situation at work rather than have to talk about it. But what exactly is it that managers are afraid of? The same survey revealed:
- Not knowing how the other person will respond – 43%
- Not being able to get a point across clearly – 31%
- Being in a confrontational situation – 29%
- Getting upset or emotional – 29%
- The other person getting upset or emotional – 21%
Managing Difficult Conversations training!
Our eLearning workshop will give you the skills you will need today! Using videos and quizzes, it will show you a step-by-step approach that will allow you to successfully handle these tricky conversations.
How to have a tough conversation
Here are my top ten tips when managing a difficult conversation.
#1 Whenever you can, ‘Nip it in the bud’
The fact that you have decided to deal with an issue by exploring it in a conversation is already to your credit. Remember the research I cited earlier unmistakably shows that many managers would prefer to pretend that the issue wasn’t happening.
But, as the author, Karol K. Truman is credited with saying, “Feelings buried alive never die”. They certainly don’t – and issues that started as just a small scratch have a habit of turning into painful and open wounds if left untreated.
That is why I always implore new managers to remember the popular phrase, ‘nip it in the bud’. Once you have detected a potential issue, the first and best action is to have a quiet word with the employee to check their awareness of the situation. A kindly but firm request might be all that’s needed to negate the issue there and then.
#2 Meet with the employee in private
That’s obvious advice, you might think. However, many people have spoken to me about conversations that took place in front of colleagues, which they found humiliating.
Is there an ideal seating arrangement for these conversations? My strong advice is to avoid sitting directly opposite the other person. Such an arrangement suggests confrontation and, if the employee is uncomfortable with strong eye contact, they may feel cowed, especially with a more confident, extrovert manager.
Much better is to look for a seating arrangement where both parties sit at a 90-degree angle to each other (this also applies to a conversation that takes place standing up).
#3 Make sure you have the facts
Sometimes people can be adamant that an event they witnessed was exactly what happened. If someone tells you about the negative behaviour of one of your employees, just how reliable is their testimony? Is there a personal motivation that made them want to tell you? Just as I showed earlier with my opening scenario of an employee’s body odour, I needed to check for myself – and I would encourage you to do the same when an issue is brought to your attention.
So, before you call a meeting with an individual, make sure that you have evidence that supports your reasons for the conversation. Have you witnessed it yourself? Are you sure that what you saw was without bias? If you’re not completely sure, then read the next recommendation carefully…
#4 Introduce the reason for the discussion in an open and neutral way
As was covered earlier when we spoke about perception, an issue that might have been concerning you could be due to a factor that you are unaware of. Opening a discussion with a statement like, “I wanted to talk to you about why you can’t be bothered to turn up on time for work anymore?” may not only be factually incorrect, but it will also probably create a significant degree of defensiveness within the other party.
An alternative introduction such as, “I’ve noticed that your excellent timekeeping has begun to slip and wanted to know if everything was all right with you?” may meet with a much more collaborative response.
#5 Ask for their view first before sharing your own
The US business guru, Stephen Covey, was adamant that you should, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” By inviting the other person to share their view first, you are demonstrating to them that you are both open and empathetic to their explanation. All too often, many employees have walked into just such a meeting feeling that judgment has already been passed!
Managing Difficult Conversations training!
Our eLearning workshop will give you the skills you will need today! Using videos and quizzes, it will show you a step-by-step approach that will allow you to successfully handle these tricky conversations.
#6 Where possible, work collaboratively to resolve the situation
In John Whitmore’s book, ‘Coaching for Performance’, he reminds the reader that, “I want to for me, I have to for you.’ As Locke and Latham’s research underlined, many individuals will be more accepting of a goal if they help define it themselves, so working together with them to find a resolution to the issue will have a far greater chance of success.
Whenever I am training managers, I always try and explore the skills of coaching before any module on having difficult conversations. A coaching approach is crucial to both facilitating involvement and fostering openness and neutrality.
#7 Listen attentively
Employees can always sense when we are not listening, and not paying attention in these conversations undermines the honesty of the whole exchange. Listening shows respect and a desire to establish the facts as they really are. Some managers are known to pretend to be listening, waiting like a tiger to pounce on the other party with their own irrefutable view.
Sometimes listening can be difficult, especially when you genuinely feel that your employee is being evasive or disingenuous about the situation. Worse still, is when the other party deliberately tries to provoke a negative response from you to make you lose your self-control. Although such instances of this type of behaviour are rare, I and many others have been witness to them and the need for good composure is paramount. This leads to my next point…
#8 Pace your speech to help defuse any hostility
Whenever we start to lose our temper, we often show it through speaking more rapidly as we grow increasingly eager to defend our point of view. If you sense that the conversation is becoming heated or feel it to be ’running away’ from you, then slow down when speaking. It will create more space in the exchange and may even have a braking effect on the other person.
Demonstrating a sense of calm, principally through our body posture and pace of speech, should help keep the meeting positive and productive. It will show that we’re at ease with the discussion and want to work towards a positive outcome to the session.
#9 Be ready to assert yourself if necessary
If I do demonstrate the necessary self-control (as just mentioned above) then it is much more likely that my response to any unfair or inaccurate statement will be assertive, rather than aggressive. Always remember the rule that separates the two:
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- An aggressive behaviour violates another’s rights
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- An assertive behaviour respects another’s rights
So, instead of saying something like, ‘That’s a stupid thing to suggest…’ try a more constructive and assertive approach, such as, ‘There are two things you have just said which I disagree with and here is why…”
#10 Stay focused on the issue
Occasionally you might find yourself having a difficult conversation with someone determined to ‘muddy the waters’ because it helps move the focus away from the main issue.
It’s a tactic that can work, especially when an employee says something like, ‘I can’t believe you’re talking to me about this. What about Anouk? I bet you’ve not heard what she’s been doing?’
You mustn’t get diverted onto side issues in a meeting like this. Firmly ‘park’ such contributions and make sure that you keep the focus on what you see as the real issue, ‘If you want to bring my attention to Anouk’s behaviour, then that is something I am happy to do once we have resolved this situation. So, as I asked you earlier – after the client called you…’
Difficult Conversations Training
It’s important to keep learning about this important skill and mastery of difficult conversations is an essential part of every manager’s toolkit. That is why we have developed an eLearning module that goes into more depth to help you feel confident in any difficult conversation scenario.
Just click on the link below to explore the following modules:
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- Understanding conflict
- The right mindset
- Preparation
- The four stages
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- Virtual difficult conversations
